Say What You Mean.

Sometimes I am afraid to write the truth.
And doesn’t that somehow equate to: “I am afraid to face the truth.”
…Am I afraid to face the truth?

And if so, why now?
I have done many scary things. Many hard things.
Mainly, what I’m referring to is: I went on a misson.
Before that, at least in my memory, I was rarely afraid to write the truth.
Regardless, I always found a way.
What has changed?
And why I am not better at writing the truth now, instead of the other way around?

.     See? There it is.
.     I was afraid to say “worse”
.     I dodged it with a common phrase–
.     “the other way around”
.     That way I didn’t have to actually say I am now worse at what I love SO MUCH.
.     Or maybe I avoid the word “worse” because:
.     I don’t really believe it.
.     I believe the me that writes the truth, is still in there.
.     I’m not ready to say she is gone. I’m not sure that is the truth.

S0 why am I not writing the truth now?

One answer at least: I don’t practice.
I get worse at things I’m not regularly practicing.
I used to have shelves and shelves of living notebooks.
Always a pen and a journ in my bag.
Part of learning to write the truth back then, was that I was always trying to.
And so, I was always learning to.

Since then, since I’ve stopped trying to write the truth,
I’ve found that I see much less of it.
When I’m walking home or waiting at a stoplight,
I don’t see my life and feel my heart like I used to.
I don’t churn my language
I don’t mold my phrases
I don’t listen to what I feel so I can
later sit down and scrawl it out until I say:
That. That is what my life is like. I found it and I found how to say it.

I don’t articulate. express. ask. edit. speak. listen.

Instead, I continually come to that moment where I need my words and
…they are not there.
Because I have not sought them
cultivated them
spent time with them
asked for them
trusted them.

Writing was like praying then.
Writing was like revelation. In my handwriting.
That’s why, on pages, I found the truth.

People do not know me as the girl with the notebook anymore.
But I know me:
I know.

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3 thoughts on “Say What You Mean.

  1. Odessa Wooten says:

    I know her too….she is amazing in a trillion ways….and I love all of them….you are the one who, at only months old, would not stop communicating – even though the words were not yet formed….love you and one day we will see a lot of the journaling in print for ALL to enjoy….just make sure you take care of Ken in the midst of “finding the truth.”

  2. Amy says:

    I promise that you have an amazing talent that is only getting better. I know (as your mother) that you were given this talent for great reasons – you have already done some incredible things with this talent and I KNOW (not believe … KNOW) that even greater things are coming. Follow the lead in your heart – I know its there and even though it may not be pulling you to write “the truth” as you once saw it – just know that it is okay.

    I have found that as I am blessed with more valuable things in my life … a lot about me changes. I think that would apply to how you approach “truth” in your writing … even how you view the truth. Its not a bad thing.

    I believe Heavenly Father gives us insights to small (but bigger) truths when we are progressing in life. Worse really WASNT the correct word …or the true word. (Thats the truth! ; )

    Look at all the valuables that have come into your life since that time before your mission. My baby is receiving the pearls.

    Doctrine and Covenants 41:6
    For it is not meet that the things which belong to the children of the kingdom should be given to them that are not worthy, or to dogs, or the pearls to be cast before swine.

    PS – okay …not that you were swine or dog before your mission … you know what I mean – right? Line upon line – its coming to you. You wouldn’t let your toddler play with the family heirloom pearls … even though you’re going to give them to her on her wedding day – right? Heavenly Father works the same way – this the the next phase of your talent…embrace it.

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