Did you know I used to be full of words? FULL.
I know they are still in me but they are way down deep, maybe even a little lost in there.
Because I don’t call out to them and conjure them together and USE them like I did before.
I don’t group them into identities or clarities or the nominative indicative infinitive diminutive.
Did you know that’s why I’m writing here?
I am writing here to practice my words. To practice Speaking. Shouting. Feeling. Again.
Almost no one knows I am writing here.
Because so far I don’t necessarily have much to say.
So far I’m still getting my voice out.
That’s a wimpy way to avoid admitting that I just don’t think my writing is very good right now so I’m too prideful to advertise it out in the void. It doesn’t feel completely ME yet.
But with my words I’m telling the truth! I am. I just want to tell more of it.
I’ll need to tell more of it before I am satisfied.
Before my soul is at rest with its level and quality of expression.
Until then, my soul is kinda bunched-up and wrinkly in there.
It’s still happy, but it won’t be still.
It’s tryin’ to wriggle itself free.
I wriggle in words.
Here are some for today.
Sometimes I get very sad. I find myself taking naps and not talking very much. I feel heavy and sleepy, even when I want to feel alive. I know this pattern. It scares me. I pray and go for walks by the river with Ken. Things get better.
I love the moment at the pool when I realize the sun has melted my crayon. I know because instead highlighting a line in my book, it squishes a victorious spludge of green wax across the page. Oozing youth and summer.
I love when the doctor’s office wants an emergency contact and after I write Ken’s name it asks: Relationship?
And I write: Husband.
I love when I’m at J-dawgs with my little brother sayin “Get the secret sauce! Get the secret sauuuuuuuuce!” He’s a first-timer and I’m way more excited than he is. Let’s sit in the grass with our chips and drink. (I never buy the chips but this was a special occasion.)
I love that as soon as I get home from work I can pick up whatever book I want.
Books Just Finished:
I love that reading other people’s words is generally promised to spark your own.
I am reading reading reading.
I love that my friends are growing up too. They are wrapped-up in various corporate/creative/therapeutic endeavors that help them to further unfold. I know some fantastic people. They just keep unfolding. There is no end to them.